Pub Jokes

Feel free to post jokes here. Those without too many inhibitions but with due respect to net etiquette.

1. Two drunks are walking along.

One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night... look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

They started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.

"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said,



Sorry , I dont live around here.



2. The 'Corporate' language !!


'We will do it'
means
'You will do it'


'You have done a great job'
means
'More work to be given to you'


'We are working on it'
means
'We have not yet started working on the same'


'Tomorrow, first thing in the morning'
means
'Its not getting done...
At least not tomorrow !'.


'After discussion we will decide - I am very open to views'
means
'I have already decided, I will tell you what to do'


'There was a slight miscommunication'
means
'We had actually lied'


'Lets call a meeting and discuss'
means
'I have no time now, will talk later'


'We can always do it'
means
'We actually cannot do the same on time'


'We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline'
means
'The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time.'


'We had slight differences of opinion'
means
'We had actually fought'


'Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you'
means
'Anyway you have to find a way out, no help from me'


'You should have told me earlier'
means
'Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!'


'We need to find out the real reason'
means
'Well I will tell you where your fault is'


'Well... family is important, your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected'
means
'Well you know...'


'We are a team'
means
'I am not the only one to be blamed'


'That's actually a good question'
means
'I do not know anything about it'
.
.
AND FINALLY, THE BEST OF ALL...
.

'All the Best'
means
' You are in trouble

Must read above 18

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Dad, What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the head of the family, so call me the prime minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so call her the government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.

The maid, we'll consider the working class.

And your baby brother, we'll call him the future.

Now think about that and see if it makes any sense”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the maid's room finding the door locked, he peeps in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the maid.

The next morning the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

“OK, Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "the prime minister is screwing the working class while the government is sound asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.”


3. Sardar Jokes

3a, A thief snatches a mobile from a "sardar" and does a runner.

Sardar shouts to him: Run man run, I've the charger...

3b Santa Singh and Banta Singh bump into each other at the hospital gate

Santa Singh: Oye Banta where are you coming from?

Banta Singh: Don't ask yaar. Went for a test and these silly doctors slit my finger just for a cross match(blood) test.
By the way why are you here Santa??

Santa Singh: (looking terrified)........ I am not sure if I want to go ahead with my urine test now .

3c,

letter to Mr.Bill Gates from Banta singh

Dear Mr Bill Gates,

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears as it should, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard.

Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

We are unable to enter anything after we click the shut down button.

There is a button 'start' but! there is no stop button.

We request you to check this.

We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to sit so that we can click that by sitting.

One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

Also there is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this 'find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug??

Thanks,
Banta Singh
Punjab _______________________


3d

Interviewer: what is your birth date?
Sardar: 13 th October
Interviewer: Which year
Sardar : Oye ullu ke pathe _ _ _ EVERY YEAR

3e

Manager asked to sardar at an interview
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Sardar replied: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.

3f

After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?

3g
One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village???

Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!